My favorite professor at Bard has died. This post is pretty late; she died in September. But I didn’t hear about it until today. My friend Dages will be performing one of her dances at her memorial soon; I’ll update this when I know the date etc.
I am not the world’s greatest dancer. I was a shy nerd as a kid, and, as my friend Tyler would marvel back when we were in elementary school, “John doesn’t like music!” Not strictly true; I loved the oldies station my mom always listened to in the car, and my parents often played tapes at home, Bob Marley or Bow Wow Wow, or (most often) gamelan, some of which my father had recorded himself while on research trips to Bali. My sister liked show tunes and a few cassettes of Belinda Carlisle and Tiffany, and I listened to that just like I read her Babysitters Club and Nancy Drew Files books. But it’s true I wasn’t very well-versed in pop music until I was a teenager, when I caught up on the 80s through VH-1 and got into “alternative” radio while learning to drive. It’s not like I was completely ignorant of it, but it felt somehow out of my league, like I wasn’t cool enough to even try to understand it all. At some point when I was very young someone laughed at me for not realizing “Beat It” by Michael Jackson was not the same song as “Eat It” by Weird Al; the possibility of making a mistake like that, humiliating when you’re a little kid (if not always), made it a bit too fraught for a shy and very cautious kid like I was. Certainly, by the time I got to enjoy school dances, I was way behind on learning how to dance. My best tactic was to simply fake it through abandon and enthusiasm, which I could rarely muster up the courage for, unless my friend Tim was there to set the example.
Strangely, despite growing up in a theatrical house, I don’t remember any contact with Western art dance–ballet, modern dance, any kind of choreographed performance with an audience–until I got to college. I’d seen Balinese and Javanese dance, but that was about it. I went to my first Bard dance performance partly out of curiosity, partly because it was the thing to do, but I think mostly because my friend Evan was going. I was thunderstruck. The show was very crowded, very hot, and very long–over a dozen dances, I think, of all sorts of moods, styles, qualities. Most were choreographed by students, some by professors. I used to say to my dad, I wanted “theater without actors”, and here it was, and even better than I’d ever imagined. I saw a lot of great dance at Bard, some showy and Broadway, some spooky or disturbing, some gorgeous or sexy, some bizarre and avant-garde (one was in almost complete darkness, with no sound but that of the feet of the dancers sliding across the floor; in another, a dancer in a figure skating costume stood motionlessly balanced on one leg to the soundtrack of the recorded voice of a figure skating commentator.)
By this time I had already committed to a fine art major, and dance seemed, like music before it, somewhere out of my reach; but my friends encouraged me to take some dance classes. There were many professors teaching intro classes. “Who should I take?” I asked. “Lenore,” everyone said.
Lenore turned out to be a cranky and commanding old lady, in her 60s when I met her, rain thin and as flexible as a rubber toy. When she led the stretches at the beginning of the class it seemed impossible that she had any bones at all. She taught a very flowy, swooping kind of dance–I’m afraid I don’t know anything about the terminology or the various schools to talk intelligently about this–but was strict and demanding. She knew when you were struggling and when you were just not trying your best. “John!” she would shout with her raspy voice. “Get those arms up!” It was impossible not to fall in love with her from the first class.
I was usually very grumpy about the studio art department, as disgruntled as some of my theater friends were with the theater department. We would sometimes sit around daydreaming out loud about being dance majors, how if only we’d known then what we knew now, we would have done dance all the way. I don’t know what they think about that now. But I still think about it sometimes, and I still wish I had had any idea that I might want to try dance when I was a freshman picking classes for the first time. I still dream of it, being a full-fledged member of the world of dance. I still hope to be someday. It’s too late to become a dancer, or probably even choreographer; but I still aspire to become Leon Bakst at least. Soon, I hope, I’ll be living in Chicago; hopefully I’ll be able to meet dance people there.
At Bard there were very rarely more than two other male students in a dance class. My friend Caitlin told me that, before we met, she knew me as “the boy in dance class who’s really into it”, and as mortifying as I find that (for some reason), it’s true, I was really into it. We would line up and do a series of steps across the room. I was always first in line. (This is not entirely due to my enthusiasm: I figured out that before you went out there, you were too busy trying to get the sequence straight in your head to watch the other dancers, so paradoxically, going first meant you were most invisible.) I was ecstatic to be asked, by another of my professors, to perform in the dance she was choreographing. But I was even more proud when Lenore told me she thought I was ready to try her intermediate dance class. It was quite a jump up–I struggled very much in that class, basically always felt lost or inadequate to what I was being asked to do, and it was at some ungodly early hour of the morning, my final semester at Bard. But I loved it. And I loved Lenore.