Doing a project like this, I always hope to learn something along the way. But sometimes you learn a different lesson than you anticipated. I’ve been sick for the past couple of days, and kind of miserable, and I sort of realized tonight that this 30 Days project is teaching me a lesson that I’ve been trying to ignore away. The fact is that I’m an extremely private person. That’s something I’ve always known, but I guess what I’ve learned this month is that it goes deeper than I thought, and my creative mind is not as public a part of me as I thought it was. I’ll try to explain what I mean.
When I did that haiku project with my friend Tim, there was no problem, because Tim and I are as close as friends can be. He’s really a part of my family. I could send him anything my mind came up with; it was like sending it to myself. But even though the hit count of this website is usually in the single digits, it’s on the Internet, and under my own real name even! It’s as public as anything can be in this day and age. And I’m not comfortable, I’ve discovered, with sharing the vast majority of the fruits of my creativity in public this way. Do you want to know a secret? These doodles were not actually the only ‘creative’ things I did those days. I actually draw and doodle almost constantly. But almost every day this month I’ve thought to myself, “I can’t put this stuff on the Internet. I’d better do something just for this 30 Days thing,” which meant something contextless, unobjectionable, personality-free. So I’d do some dutiful bullshit drawing, and even if it was total fucking garbage and something else I’d drawn that day was perfect, what I’d show would be the one I’d made with the Internet in mind, because the other stuff was too personal. It had some part of me in it that I just don’t want on the Internet, at least not like this.
It’s strange because, for example, I always enjoy sharing my sewing on Craftster (when I actually remember to take pictures). I never minded showing my stuff for critique in art class, even the most preliminary sketches and notes. I thought that the art-making part of me was a public part–even an exhibitionist part. So I’m very surprised to find it isn’t, not entirely. And what’s really terrible about that is that, in trying to deny that fact, I’ve been sharing this “art” that comes from a place of no inspiration or interest at all, just something to sort of pay the piper, to prove I’m doing my homework, or something. Which is a poor thing to pass off on people, and makes me look bad to boot.
So. I’m just not going to show something for every day anymore. We’ll just assume that what I did those days, I don’t want to share with the world. But I’ll share whatever I make that I feel that I want to share. I should have pictures of some things to put up this weekend! I think they will be good.